I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
