my mouth tastes like poor choices
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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