I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
