Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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