don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I need moral support for this bender
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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