You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
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Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
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I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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