the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
