Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing