I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I didn't notice because vodka
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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