I need help removing her.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
