Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
