Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
