i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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