hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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