Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
