You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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