i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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