I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
