yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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