Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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