I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
