He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
