I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
