There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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