Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
