i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
