she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I didn't notice because vodka
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
