Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
