It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
