if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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