My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
