I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
