I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
