gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
