Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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