OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
