That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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