Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
