I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
