WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
