you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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