I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
