my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
