Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
