Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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