dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
