THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
