you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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