I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
