i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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