So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
