we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
