Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
honey bunches of taint.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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