shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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